How to practise Nonviolent Communication

This month, it’s twenty years since I discovered NVC. My awareness of this has led me into  reflective mode. I’ve been thinking of all the things I’ve learnt, and the joys and challenges  of NVC and how to practise Nonviolent Communication? One challenge I’ve been pondering is the tendency, in learning NVC, towards  perfectionism. We often want to be immediately perfect. This desire inhibits and suffocates practice, the practice on which increased fluency depends. As the aphorism says, ‘Perfect is the enemy of good’.* 

I’m curious about where this perfectionism comes from. Is it school, with its focus on  competition and assessment? Or is it even deeper in the Western psyche? The concept of a lifelong practice seems far more prominent and respected in other cultures. Here, it seems  that we are either good at something… or we’re not. We are intolerant of the process of  learning.  

I continue to have harsh self-talk, the sort that says I’m not good enough. I’m so used to it that I don’t usually notice. It’s been a shock, these last few weeks, to be more aware that it’s still there – after all these years practising self-compassion in NVC. How I talk to myself  is in stark contrast to the compassion I have for other learners. I often say to people,  frustrated that their NVC goes out of the window at home, that it’s the hardest to practice  with those we’re closest to, simply because these relationships matter so much to us. I  remind them that practising NVC must include compassion for ourselves…of course! 

Even more kindness?

I’m struck by the kindness of the coaching app I use for running. It encourages me each  small step of the way: ‘Congratulations! You’ve made it out of the door in your running  shoes’. This is how I’d like us all to treat ourselves when practising NVC. Celebrate any step  forward, steps of any size – don’t even measure. Provide ourselves with gentleness,  acceptance and kindness: ‘hurrah’ for that deep breath we took before responding, ‘yay’  for that empathy guess.  

Some days, I think I know nothing about NVC. What is NVC? It’s picking myself up, trying  again. As Marshall said, it’s enough to become progressively less stupid. What a gift  learning is! Einstein said that once you stop learning, you start dying. So how about we  embrace life and learning, reminding ourselves that NVC is a practice not a destination?  Let’s go slow, enjoy the journey and celebrate growth however it shows up. 

How much more compassion could you bring to yourself as you practise?

*Attributed to Voltaire 

_______________________

This is Shona Cameron’s blog, written in collaboration Rebecca Kail. 

Rebecca says: I’m assisting  Shona to get her thoughts onto paper more regularly. This encourages my understanding of the depths of NVC, and reminds me to keep practising. I did my foundation training with Liz  Kingsnorth in 2016 and I’m now in the early stages of the certification path. I’m based in  Elgin, in the north of Scotland, and hoping to spread the word about NVC in this part of the  world. Marshall visited nearby Findhorn to provide training some years ago and I’m hugely  disappointed that this was before I’d even heard of NVC! I would have loved to have  experienced NVC as he embodied it.

 

Photos by Afif Ramdhasuma on Unsplash

and

by Matthew Ball on Unsplash

Why we call this Nonviolent Communication – 2

Why we call this Nonviolent Communication

Can you even imagine the complete absence in you of the intention to inflict violence? Last time I wrote of how nonviolence is so much bigger than ‘not violent’. Today I’ll say why I think that matters within NVC.

Seeing NVC as ‘not violent’ often promotes a culture of trying to do something – to be kind, to be compassionate, to avoid violence and so on. When we can’t keep it up from sheer determination and willpower, we judge ourselves. In the trying there’s a tyranny, a litany of ‘shoulds’ that we inflict upon ourselves. Is it even possible or desirable to try in this way? I think not.

Marshall advised instead listening to ourselves with compassion, accepting all of ourselves. Be nonviolent to everything, not just the nice things. If you are angry and grumpy, be angry and grumpy. Welcome the darkness in ourselves and in others; welcome the people and things that challenge us. That is why listening to jackals is so important within NVC. Our judgements are part of life and they tell us what’s important to us. They connect us to a part of ourselves. They help us live according to our values.   

imagine we can live from our values of compassion

In showing a way for us to accept all of ourselves, NVC is accessible for everyone. It isn’t only for those who are nice, kind and compassionate. Nonviolence is a lifelong process of gradually stepping into a different worldview, a transformed state of mind. It’s a willingness to get up each day, recognise that we’ve messed up, and start afresh.

And here we come to a current challenge within NVC, which I will talk about next time: if NVC is for everyone, why does it seem to appeal more to those on the political left? What is getting in the way of including those with more conservative or right wing perspectives? And, more generally, how do we have conversations with people with very different political views? 

Why we call this Nonviolent Communication – 1

Why we call this Nonviolent Communication
‘But I’m not violent,’ people say, assuming NVC is not for them and instead is for those who shout, threaten and fight. So why do we use this term if it creates a barrier? Surely that’s the last thing we’d want to do! It doesn’t help that in English, we tend to hear it as ‘not violent’ as if it involves simply avoiding physical violence. And that is very far from what Marshall intended…so Why do we call this Nonviolent Communication? Marshall Rosenberg was very clear: he wanted to honour the tradition of radical nonviolence and those who espoused it, such as Martin Luther King and Gandhi. ‘Nonviolence’ is a single word with no hyphen, a specific thing. It is a translation of the term ‘ahimsa’, which Gandhi borrowed from writers of ancient Indian texts. These writers wrote of the near God-like state of being in which a person is so connected to their compassionate nature that they cannot even imagine doing harm. They considered their fellow humans too puny to understand this concept, so, instead of creating a new term, they took the word for the deliberate infliction of violence (‘himsa’) and used the prefix ‘a’ to create its opposite. ‘Ahimsa’ – the complete absence of intention to inflict violence.  So, ‘nonviolence’ is a translation of something that is not really the thing itself. It points to something that we don’t have words for… yet. In following the tradition of ahimsa/nonviolence, Marshall aimed to develop a method of communication that allows us to access that state of being where to do harm is unthinkable. He believed that this was our true nature, that what is needed to is to ‘get out of our own way’ by taking responsibility for our own feelings and needs. Buddhists might call this ‘the Buddha nature’, Christians, ‘the mind of Christ’, others might describe it as ‘being in the flow of life’. Whatever the term, when we are in that state, all our actions contribute to our lives and others’ – we can’t help it.  All of this is so much bigger than ‘not violent’ and I think that’s important for NVC. In the next episode, I’ll say why.

Feeling Numb?

an orange

Sometimes it’s hard to know what we are feeling. Have you noticed feeling numb? Even when emotions may be high or others talk about their feelings? I’ve talked many times about how I started exploring the inner world of my own feelings with “I feel numb”. A kind of emotional numbness? I had sense something was going on… but what…? When I checked I had no clue, like a connection wasn’t there.

I actually believe it’s impossible to feel nothing and we can all start somewhere. For me “I feel numb” was the start.

When I connected to the numb- which the simple act of turning my attention to the numbness was all it took. Something shifted. (Sidenote: In my years of working with others I find that most people tend to try to make this inner connection work overcomplicated. If this seems simple, that’s because it is, I’m wary of anything in psychology that is overly complex).

As I got curious my numbness had an edge, a colour even. It was grey and square and it sat in my body like a square.

With this came something more to engage with – in fact something more to form a relationship with. I chose to have this relationship be a compassionate one. Welcoming, warm and accepting. I was feeling something- even though my rational brain was sceptical and trying to tell me this was weird. Ah- these thoughts prompted some feelings…. wariness, disbelief… my attention enjoyed exploring these feelings. Again with compassion.

Rumi quote about The Dark Thought

I stuck with it, checking in and asking myself how do I feel? A new awareness arose over time. The consequence… the depression I had lived with for months started to lift… turns out numbness was what I needed to tune into into to offer compassion to myself. to really listen to myself.

A turning point – no longer feeling ONLY numb!

One day I found myself peeling an orange and I tuned into my feelings. The day had so far been dampened down by grey fog and yet there were moments of sunshine, sensations in my body I would call gratitude and delight as I peeled the orange at my kitchen counter. It was enough for me to notice I was no longer living as a depressed person in those moments, I was living moment to moment with my feelings as they moved.

Let’s end with a poem- a gem!

Wendy Cope poem 'The Orange'

If you are feeling numb…I suggest starting with “I feel numb”, feel it, get curious and see where that takes you. It;s so easy to dismiss it and look for ‘real feelings!

Reading

I really enjoy Daniel Siegel’s work and in particular his very readable book Mindsight, each chapter explores cases he has worked with and how people have worked with their inner world.

Fear of Others’ Reactions

stairway into mist

In a group I facilitate, we explored an insight I  didn’t fully ‘get’ when I heard it from Marshall Rosenberg. One I’ve been struggling to integrate for many years,  It’s a piece about how we are not afraid of the other person’s reaction but our response to their reaction. We think we hold fear of other’s reactions-  but no!

All those years ago in Switzerland, it landed in me like a truth that I couldn’t quite hear yet…and somehow I don’t find the words to talk about it even now with others.

I asked my colleagues- other NVC trainers around the world – what words they use to explore this, as I’m was not happy with how I explored it. These are the responses I got.

Gabrielle Grunt from Austria said: “I wrote it down word by word exactly how (Marshall) said it, because this was a most life-changing insight for me at that time and I wanted to remember it exactly in Marshall’s original words”

“You don’t have to worry about the other person’s response. You just have to worry about how you react to it, whether you have your giraffe ears on.” MBR

“Here’s another version I found in my notes (not 100% sure if it is exactly the wording Marshall used, in case someone wants to quote it… on this IIT Marshall mentioned this point so often, that I just wrote it down once as an exact quote – see above)”

“Our fear is never about how the other person responds. Then you give the power to the other person. It’s about what ears we put on to receive it. That puts the security into our own hands.”

Alan Seid from the US said he heard Marshall say:

“We are not afraid of the other person freaking out; what we’re afraid of is that we won’t know how to handle it.”

Allan Rolfs recounted this

“Years ago, and it reoccurs every once in awhile on the network, I posed the question, “What do you (trainers) do when you are triggered, what are your personal strategies?”.  I collected all the responses at that time (maybe 20 years ago).  I remember poignantly Marshall’s response, “I say to myself, ‘choose'”.  I’m still working on that.”

Me too Allan.

I still hold fear of the other’s reaction. I still worry about the other person’s reaction – and when I pause… is it me? Can I imagine it’s not about the other? is it about me? As Marshall points to something just out of my grasp at times. More to explore…I’m worried about the shame I feel as I tell myself I’ve hurt someone, I worry about anger coming my way and paralysing me – leaving me frozen and unable to speak to get my needs heard. I can breathe and choose…. My life as an experimenter in living NVC continues.

And you? Does it help? Are there some stuck place in you too around this?

_______
Photo by Joe Beck on Unsplash

Freedom from Core Beliefs

padlock

Mini Online Course: Starts 3rd July

Friday 10 am UK time.

I will be sharing one of THE most powerful ways I have found to build my capacity in the world… bringing presence to and releasing Core Beliefs. We start this Friday, with a mini online course you can design yourself.

All are welcome if you have some experience of NVC.
You’ve heard me say that learning Nonviolent Communication requires healing AND learning skills.

This Friday we will support someone with some healing AND we will learn how to release some stuck parts of ourselves.

What are Core beliefs? a well known term in therapy- a place where we are stuck….even if we get empathy for an issue if you find it coming up again you probably have a rooted core belief or schema. A schema through which you view the world. Usually short I statements for eg. ‘I am unlovable’, ‘I am defective/ there is something wrong with me’ or ‘The world is unsafe’. However, here is the rub, you don’t just view the world through this lens, you also take action from this belief AND collect evidence that your belief is true ignoring evidence to the contrary. Here’s an example from my own life:

A core belief I uncovered was “I am unattractive’, this meant I did not even try and flirt with anyone! Thankfully, I became aware of this, I found a way to release it and found love!

via GIPHY

Note: I will run this course again if asked!

Photo by Basil James on Unsplash