Feeling Numb?

an orange

Sometimes it’s hard to know what we are feeling. Have you noticed feeling numb? Even when emotions may be high or others talk about their feelings? I’ve talked many times about how I started exploring the inner world of my own feelings with “I feel numb”. A kind of emotional numbness? I had sense something was going on… but what…? When I checked I had no clue, like a connection wasn’t there.

I actually believe it’s impossible to feel nothing and we can all start somewhere. For me “I feel numb” was the start.

When I connected to the numb- which the simple act of turning my attention to the numbness was all it took. Something shifted. (Sidenote: In my years of working with others I find that most people tend to try to make this inner connection work overcomplicated. If this seems simple, that’s because it is, I’m wary of anything in psychology that is overly complex).

As I got curious my numbness had an edge, a colour even. It was grey and square and it sat in my body like a square.

With this came something more to engage with – in fact something more to form a relationship with. I chose to have this relationship be a compassionate one. Welcoming, warm and accepting. I was feeling something- even though my rational brain was sceptical and trying to tell me this was weird. Ah- these thoughts prompted some feelings…. wariness, disbelief… my attention enjoyed exploring these feelings. Again with compassion.

Rumi quote about The Dark Thought

I stuck with it, checking in and asking myself how do I feel? A new awareness arose over time. The consequence… the depression I had lived with for months started to lift… turns out numbness was what I needed to tune into into to offer compassion to myself. to really listen to myself.

A turning point – no longer feeling ONLY numb!

One day I found myself peeling an orange and I tuned into my feelings. The day had so far been dampened down by grey fog and yet there were moments of sunshine, sensations in my body I would call gratitude and delight as I peeled the orange at my kitchen counter. It was enough for me to notice I was no longer living as a depressed person in those moments, I was living moment to moment with my feelings as they moved.

Let’s end with a poem- a gem!

Wendy Cope poem 'The Orange'

If you are feeling numb…I suggest starting with “I feel numb”, feel it, get curious and see where that takes you. It;s so easy to dismiss it and look for ‘real feelings!

Reading

I really enjoy Daniel Siegel’s work and in particular his very readable book Mindsight, each chapter explores cases he has worked with and how people have worked with their inner world.

Fear of Others’ Reactions

stairway into mist

In a group I facilitate, we explored an insight I  didn’t fully ‘get’ when I heard it from Marshall Rosenberg. One I’ve been struggling to integrate for many years,  It’s a piece about how we are not afraid of the other person’s reaction but our response to their reaction. We think we hold fear of other’s reactions-  but no!

All those years ago in Switzerland, it landed in me like a truth that I couldn’t quite hear yet…and somehow I don’t find the words to talk about it even now with others.

I asked my colleagues- other NVC trainers around the world – what words they use to explore this, as I’m was not happy with how I explored it. These are the responses I got.

Gabrielle Grunt from Austria said: “I wrote it down word by word exactly how (Marshall) said it, because this was a most life-changing insight for me at that time and I wanted to remember it exactly in Marshall’s original words”

“You don’t have to worry about the other person’s response. You just have to worry about how you react to it, whether you have your giraffe ears on.” MBR

“Here’s another version I found in my notes (not 100% sure if it is exactly the wording Marshall used, in case someone wants to quote it… on this IIT Marshall mentioned this point so often, that I just wrote it down once as an exact quote – see above)”

“Our fear is never about how the other person responds. Then you give the power to the other person. It’s about what ears we put on to receive it. That puts the security into our own hands.”

Alan Seid from the US said he heard Marshall say:

“We are not afraid of the other person freaking out; what we’re afraid of is that we won’t know how to handle it.”

Allan Rolfs recounted this

“Years ago, and it reoccurs every once in awhile on the network, I posed the question, “What do you (trainers) do when you are triggered, what are your personal strategies?”.  I collected all the responses at that time (maybe 20 years ago).  I remember poignantly Marshall’s response, “I say to myself, ‘choose'”.  I’m still working on that.”

Me too Allan.

I still hold fear of the other’s reaction. I still worry about the other person’s reaction – and when I pause… is it me? Can I imagine it’s not about the other? is it about me? As Marshall points to something just out of my grasp at times. More to explore…I’m worried about the shame I feel as I tell myself I’ve hurt someone, I worry about anger coming my way and paralysing me – leaving me frozen and unable to speak to get my needs heard. I can breathe and choose…. My life as an experimenter in living NVC continues.

And you? Does it help? Are there some stuck place in you too around this?

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Photo by Joe Beck on Unsplash

Freedom from Core Beliefs

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Mini Online Course: Starts 3rd July

Friday 10 am UK time.

I will be sharing one of THE most powerful ways I have found to build my capacity in the world… bringing presence to and releasing Core Beliefs. We start this Friday, with a mini online course you can design yourself.

All are welcome if you have some experience of NVC.
You’ve heard me say that learning Nonviolent Communication requires healing AND learning skills.

This Friday we will support someone with some healing AND we will learn how to release some stuck parts of ourselves.

What are Core beliefs? a well known term in therapy- a place where we are stuck….even if we get empathy for an issue if you find it coming up again you probably have a rooted core belief or schema. A schema through which you view the world. Usually short I statements for eg. ‘I am unlovable’, ‘I am defective/ there is something wrong with me’ or ‘The world is unsafe’. However, here is the rub, you don’t just view the world through this lens, you also take action from this belief AND collect evidence that your belief is true ignoring evidence to the contrary. Here’s an example from my own life:

A core belief I uncovered was “I am unattractive’, this meant I did not even try and flirt with anyone! Thankfully, I became aware of this, I found a way to release it and found love!

via GIPHY

Note: I will run this course again if asked!

Photo by Basil James on Unsplash