How to practise Nonviolent Communication

This month, it’s twenty years since I discovered NVC. My awareness of this has led me into  reflective mode. I’ve been thinking of all the things I’ve learnt, and the joys and challenges  of NVC and how to practise Nonviolent Communication? One challenge I’ve been pondering is the tendency, in learning NVC, towards  perfectionism. We often want to be immediately perfect. This desire inhibits and suffocates practice, the practice on which increased fluency depends. As the aphorism says, ‘Perfect is the enemy of good’.* 

I’m curious about where this perfectionism comes from. Is it school, with its focus on  competition and assessment? Or is it even deeper in the Western psyche? The concept of a lifelong practice seems far more prominent and respected in other cultures. Here, it seems  that we are either good at something… or we’re not. We are intolerant of the process of  learning.  

I continue to have harsh self-talk, the sort that says I’m not good enough. I’m so used to it that I don’t usually notice. It’s been a shock, these last few weeks, to be more aware that it’s still there – after all these years practising self-compassion in NVC. How I talk to myself  is in stark contrast to the compassion I have for other learners. I often say to people,  frustrated that their NVC goes out of the window at home, that it’s the hardest to practice  with those we’re closest to, simply because these relationships matter so much to us. I  remind them that practising NVC must include compassion for ourselves…of course! 

Even more kindness?

I’m struck by the kindness of the coaching app I use for running. It encourages me each  small step of the way: ‘Congratulations! You’ve made it out of the door in your running  shoes’. This is how I’d like us all to treat ourselves when practising NVC. Celebrate any step  forward, steps of any size – don’t even measure. Provide ourselves with gentleness,  acceptance and kindness: ‘hurrah’ for that deep breath we took before responding, ‘yay’  for that empathy guess.  

Some days, I think I know nothing about NVC. What is NVC? It’s picking myself up, trying  again. As Marshall said, it’s enough to become progressively less stupid. What a gift  learning is! Einstein said that once you stop learning, you start dying. So how about we  embrace life and learning, reminding ourselves that NVC is a practice not a destination?  Let’s go slow, enjoy the journey and celebrate growth however it shows up. 

How much more compassion could you bring to yourself as you practise?

*Attributed to Voltaire 

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This is Shona Cameron’s blog, written in collaboration Rebecca Kail. 

Rebecca says: I’m assisting  Shona to get her thoughts onto paper more regularly. This encourages my understanding of the depths of NVC, and reminds me to keep practising. I did my foundation training with Liz  Kingsnorth in 2016 and I’m now in the early stages of the certification path. I’m based in  Elgin, in the north of Scotland, and hoping to spread the word about NVC in this part of the  world. Marshall visited nearby Findhorn to provide training some years ago and I’m hugely  disappointed that this was before I’d even heard of NVC! I would have loved to have  experienced NVC as he embodied it.

 

Photos by Afif Ramdhasuma on Unsplash

and

by Matthew Ball on Unsplash

Why we call this Nonviolent Communication – 2

Why we call this Nonviolent Communication

Can you even imagine the complete absence in you of the intention to inflict violence? Last time I wrote of how nonviolence is so much bigger than ‘not violent’. Today I’ll say why I think that matters within NVC.

Seeing NVC as ‘not violent’ often promotes a culture of trying to do something – to be kind, to be compassionate, to avoid violence and so on. When we can’t keep it up from sheer determination and willpower, we judge ourselves. In the trying there’s a tyranny, a litany of ‘shoulds’ that we inflict upon ourselves. Is it even possible or desirable to try in this way? I think not.

Marshall advised instead listening to ourselves with compassion, accepting all of ourselves. Be nonviolent to everything, not just the nice things. If you are angry and grumpy, be angry and grumpy. Welcome the darkness in ourselves and in others; welcome the people and things that challenge us. That is why listening to jackals is so important within NVC. Our judgements are part of life and they tell us what’s important to us. They connect us to a part of ourselves. They help us live according to our values.   

imagine we can live from our values of compassion

In showing a way for us to accept all of ourselves, NVC is accessible for everyone. It isn’t only for those who are nice, kind and compassionate. Nonviolence is a lifelong process of gradually stepping into a different worldview, a transformed state of mind. It’s a willingness to get up each day, recognise that we’ve messed up, and start afresh.

And here we come to a current challenge within NVC, which I will talk about next time: if NVC is for everyone, why does it seem to appeal more to those on the political left? What is getting in the way of including those with more conservative or right wing perspectives? And, more generally, how do we have conversations with people with very different political views? 

Why we call this Nonviolent Communication – 1

Why we call this Nonviolent Communication
‘But I’m not violent,’ people say, assuming NVC is not for them and instead is for those who shout, threaten and fight. So why do we use this term if it creates a barrier? Surely that’s the last thing we’d want to do! It doesn’t help that in English, we tend to hear it as ‘not violent’ as if it involves simply avoiding physical violence. And that is very far from what Marshall intended…so Why do we call this Nonviolent Communication? Marshall Rosenberg was very clear: he wanted to honour the tradition of radical nonviolence and those who espoused it, such as Martin Luther King and Gandhi. ‘Nonviolence’ is a single word with no hyphen, a specific thing. It is a translation of the term ‘ahimsa’, which Gandhi borrowed from writers of ancient Indian texts. These writers wrote of the near God-like state of being in which a person is so connected to their compassionate nature that they cannot even imagine doing harm. They considered their fellow humans too puny to understand this concept, so, instead of creating a new term, they took the word for the deliberate infliction of violence (‘himsa’) and used the prefix ‘a’ to create its opposite. ‘Ahimsa’ – the complete absence of intention to inflict violence.  So, ‘nonviolence’ is a translation of something that is not really the thing itself. It points to something that we don’t have words for… yet. In following the tradition of ahimsa/nonviolence, Marshall aimed to develop a method of communication that allows us to access that state of being where to do harm is unthinkable. He believed that this was our true nature, that what is needed to is to ‘get out of our own way’ by taking responsibility for our own feelings and needs. Buddhists might call this ‘the Buddha nature’, Christians, ‘the mind of Christ’, others might describe it as ‘being in the flow of life’. Whatever the term, when we are in that state, all our actions contribute to our lives and others’ – we can’t help it.  All of this is so much bigger than ‘not violent’ and I think that’s important for NVC. In the next episode, I’ll say why.

Adventures in Spirituality

tea lights

Similarly to many others bought up in England, I had an upbringing on the edges of The Church of England. As a family, we didn’t attend church and I wasn’t christened. However, schools in England and Wales are asked to hold a daily assembly with a Christian basis and this together with the Brownies was a grounding in the Anglican tradition. My grandfather was a Methodist and his funeral was a moment for me when I understood his deep faith in nature and human beings.

During my twenties and thirties, I joined a Buddhist lay community and enjoyed mediation and rituals. This attendance and daily practice fell away and I stopped enjoying the communication of the Buddhists around me. I found myself deep in Nonviolent Communication (NVC) as a moment to moment spiritual practise. Returning to meditation now as I walk in nature or as I pause and check in with my feelings and needs. I have attended Quaker meetings and really enjoyed the regularity the pause, once a week. I could really sense why and how a weekly check in with oneself was beneficial psychologically and spiritual.  Poetry and some music can transport me to touch something larger than myself.

In addition, and incredibly nourishing for me, are the moments of heart connection in an empathic dialogue. Usually in a 1 to 1 session and  also in groups that I facilitate. People become to me ‘as one’ there is no giver or receiver no fixer or healer and no wounded person. Time stands still and I touch something beyond myself.

I’m enjoying reading this blog by Jules Evans, I sense some overlap in our journeys and in fact he is inspiring me to step up and name my spiritual yearnings, leanings and adventures. I agree with him it’s not so easy to do in our culture without being accused of being ‘deep’. Also I want my spiritual life remain mine and I don’t want to impose my beliefs on others. Especially as an NVC trainer.

So I’m dipping my toe into Christianity again. With some nudging from an NVC trainer colleague and a talk she directed me to on reform in the Church of England and  I found Jules’  blog a reference to Rupert Sheldrake’s initiative about where to find Choral Evensong.

This is a totally new idea for me … but I’ve put my postcode into the search and found out where I can go and when. Here is Rupert Sheldrake talking about Choral Evensong, its history and why this website might be useful.

[embedyt] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6pXt5Bm7LP8[/embedyt]

I’ve got no idea if it will ‘work’ for me, I’m not even sure what that means. But I do have a thought that re-occurs that something is not in balance within me and I’m wondering if I am neglecting my spiritual life? What are the ways you explore your spiritual needs?

The pressure to do BIG social change that’s paralysing action

graffiti of word revolution with love in red

I came to Nonviolent Communication and social change via my work in schools. I knew they could be places that people wanted to go to every day- but it would take a shift at every level to do this.

Change seems so necessary because so much of our lives seem cut off from our natural ways of being and so much of what I have is dependent on others not having it including food, clothes and fuel. That change will need to be at a systemic level and I believe, BIG social change- a change in the way we behave and think and see each other.

Over many years of involvement in groups of people practising NVC I worry there are subtle messages that social change has to have a large audience to be social change- somehow I hear the words social change has got wrapped up in a definition that this has to be enormous- be making a difference on a global scale. I’m sure many people tell themselves- I’m not doing social change… because they don’t have a huge project they are involved in. one that the U.N. might have heard of!

Maybe we are stifling all our attempts to be of service to contribute to change because we immediately judge what we as doing as small and ‘not worth it’?

I would like us to see it differently. For example…If you are raising a child and have worked on yourself to undo your conditioning and are choosing not to use reward and punishment – you are involved in social change. If you greet the person who gets annoyed with you with kindness and care- you are involved in social change. We can all chose where we shop – this too is social change.

A social change project is a social change project regardless of its size and I can make my life a social change project if I want to.  How I speak to myself my be my first act of social change- especially if this is reversing trauma and abuse patterns in a family. How about acts of social change rather than acts of random kindness? And let’s start with ourselves.

What small social change acts will you make today? how can you apply Nonviolent Communication and social change?

Fear of Others’ Reactions

stairway into mist

In a group I facilitate, we explored an insight I  didn’t fully ‘get’ when I heard it from Marshall Rosenberg. One I’ve been struggling to integrate for many years,  It’s a piece about how we are not afraid of the other person’s reaction but our response to their reaction. We think we hold fear of other’s reactions-  but no!

All those years ago in Switzerland, it landed in me like a truth that I couldn’t quite hear yet…and somehow I don’t find the words to talk about it even now with others.

I asked my colleagues- other NVC trainers around the world – what words they use to explore this, as I’m was not happy with how I explored it. These are the responses I got.

Gabrielle Grunt from Austria said: “I wrote it down word by word exactly how (Marshall) said it, because this was a most life-changing insight for me at that time and I wanted to remember it exactly in Marshall’s original words”

“You don’t have to worry about the other person’s response. You just have to worry about how you react to it, whether you have your giraffe ears on.” MBR

“Here’s another version I found in my notes (not 100% sure if it is exactly the wording Marshall used, in case someone wants to quote it… on this IIT Marshall mentioned this point so often, that I just wrote it down once as an exact quote – see above)”

“Our fear is never about how the other person responds. Then you give the power to the other person. It’s about what ears we put on to receive it. That puts the security into our own hands.”

Alan Seid from the US said he heard Marshall say:

“We are not afraid of the other person freaking out; what we’re afraid of is that we won’t know how to handle it.”

Allan Rolfs recounted this

“Years ago, and it reoccurs every once in awhile on the network, I posed the question, “What do you (trainers) do when you are triggered, what are your personal strategies?”.  I collected all the responses at that time (maybe 20 years ago).  I remember poignantly Marshall’s response, “I say to myself, ‘choose'”.  I’m still working on that.”

Me too Allan.

I still hold fear of the other’s reaction. I still worry about the other person’s reaction – and when I pause… is it me? Can I imagine it’s not about the other? is it about me? As Marshall points to something just out of my grasp at times. More to explore…I’m worried about the shame I feel as I tell myself I’ve hurt someone, I worry about anger coming my way and paralysing me – leaving me frozen and unable to speak to get my needs heard. I can breathe and choose…. My life as an experimenter in living NVC continues.

And you? Does it help? Are there some stuck place in you too around this?

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Photo by Joe Beck on Unsplash

Rest as Resistance

woman on a swing

Sad to say our trip to Spain was cancelled earlier this week.

We had been looking forward to meeting all the staff at Cortijo Romero, meeting you all and to working and resting together. We now have even more time opened up in front of us. I was struck with ideas of what to do… and how to use it… then I listened to this podcast- Rest as Resistance. Here was the shift in perspective I’ve been looking for.

Tricia Hersey weaves together so many powerful insights from her work- I urge you all to listen- then take a nap…. no seriously… even during this pandemic we are not resting enough- because of this pandemic we are not rested enough.

‘Using time’ is a capitalist idea and I want to step out of this brainwashing.

As I walked and listened I realised even my walking wasn’t full of rest… I was trying to ‘do’ my steps, I was trying to get somewhere- how about I danced while I walked? how about I let my arms swing? How about I rest my spine and let nature take over? We are born to walk and dance.

via GIPHY

Lately I’ve been inviting my 1:1 clients to slow down and be with their experiences. It seems to me that is where the magic is.
Our invitation next week is to rest in your feelings and needs, our course is entitled Find your Inner Compass. We still have spaces available for our mini- online course and for sure we will be encouraging you to rest.

Maybe with a bit more stillness than Beyonce here, but who knows?

Who are we to second guess what rest will look like?

Reluctant Leadership

women holding banner saying We are the ones we have been waiting for

“We are the ones we have been waiting for” the sign says- but what if you don’t want to be? What if we are practising reluctant leadership?

Because we know being a leader these days is raw, gritty work standing up and suggesting a different way forward based on our deepest values- those that connect us. As a Nonviolent Communication (NVC) Trainer, I find myself being asked to speak- people even give me a microphone and write down what I say. I know I am sharing what I have learned so far and I’m glad it supports people. I didn’t set out to be a leader, and now I see that it is essential work for us all as we head for climate breakdown. Leading the way towards a world that works for all finding along the way that we all need healing from the trauma of our past and the generations who have lived through war, famine and separation.

There is steady flow of huge numbers of powerful people who do not want to change how it is now- or who want even more separation and they pull in the other direction,

Standing up to this and being in our pain and inviting others into theirs is exposing. Being vulnerable and naked emotionally and leads to cold sweats, binge eating and no place to hide from what’s going on for you… I don’t think it’s just me.

I know now why women don’t do it so often- because we cannot rely on our structural and physical power- we have to dig deep and go against ideas of how women should behave.

I often read that women are not in positions of leadership because they lack confidence…. for sure and let’s dig further into the idea that it is all about confidence as if we could flick a switch and just be confident like men.

BEFORE we even try and find the confidence we need to find the spaces to practise, to try and to mess up and to become…. we don’t often have these spaces…. In nursery’s/ kindergartens I went into I watched children painting. Usually the board was in the corner of the room next to the taps, there was often a long process of putting aprons on and and negotiating space, water, paints, brushes- which the adults if they were wise, left the children to sort out. Then there was freedom to create with no judgement. Creations were labelled- by the children and left to dry and take home. Somewhere along the lines this stops happening and art becomes about comparison and a ‘lesson’. I wonder if we do the same for other things? For sure leadership in girls is called bossy and research suggests that the labelling has a negative impact on women in the workplace even though men also show behaviours that are labelled bossy.

How to be a leader? how to do something we’ve only ever experienced in a patriarchy….. this is unknown territory- we all lack confidence to do this- if someone says they know how to be the kind of leader we need this century I do not believe them. We are all trying to find new ways and one thing I’ve learnt is that there is no ‘way’ just trying, messing up and learning at this moment in time.

That is not to say I don’t see leadership I admire- I do and I watch and learn.

This kind of leadership is also about teams, support, and what to do afterwards, where to go with all that comes up after stepping into leadership … because we want to do it our way and not with armour plating, but stepping up and being seen is dam HARD on our systems and we haven’t yet created the space to grieve, celebrate and be proud….

Our confidence will grow when we do it- mine has…. But I am the reluctant leader and still hide….at the same time I started delving into leadership I started exploring my addictions and the numbing I do….. still diving deep and being my own leader just now.

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Reading

Some reading on Leadership I am enjoying or are in my pile to read this summer:

Brené Brown Dare to Lead, The Tao of Leadership John Heider- I had to get it on Kindle as out of print, Margaret Wheatley’s work, Frederic LaLoux and Reinventing Organisations and Otto Scharmer and Theory U .

What are you reading or exploring on this topic?

 

The Disappearing Trainer

figure with top half fading into mist

With a sigh of relief and recognition, I enjoyed reading Robert Kržišnik’s blog post exploring our needs as trainers and facilitators. I aspire to be the kind of trainer who is a bridge for a short while in people’s lives. A bridge that supports them to find NVC and arrive in a new place. I’d like to be myself as a trainer and someone who recognises when my tanks are low and when I need a top-up of empathy, care flowing my way, rest and a reality check. (Note to the reader- sometimes I fail). Rest contributes so much to my being able to show up I see rest as resistance – as building my ability to change the way we are with ourselves and each other.

Over the years I have explored what supports me to avoid being a leader who is needing recognition, empathy or love from their participants and I suspect it takes constant awareness and feedback from a caring community as Robert suggests. Also a degree of self care and awareness, space to breathe and check in at the very minimum. The cost of not paying attention to this area is to steer far away from the vision of a world that works for all- ie we will repeat the same errors of the past- our blind spots and trauma being passed on.

I want to make a distinction offer clarity – I do of course have these needs for empathy and recognition – what Robert is alerting us to is not needing it from participants during a training. That is – not being in deficit and seeing it in subtle or not so subtle ways. I cannot nor do I wish to, turn off my need for empathy, for example, it still lives in me and I want to be alive to it. want to live with this need sufficiently cared for or nourished as much as possible and to walk into the room as a trainer having done my work. The same for my need fo recognition or love.

To offer more in this area of being a trainer it has also been in my awareness recently about making sure I do not disappear. I carry many roles as a Trainer in Nonviolent Communication, obviously often the trainer- the leader, the expert in Nonviolent Communication- eek!, for the past two years the assessor …for years I also walked into rooms with the label of Psychologist.  I say carry for it is and can be a burden – and can get ‘sticky’ and people generally see me through one of these labels like a lens. I end up with a longing to be seen for me- just me, not the roles I have, the skills I have developed, the mistakes I make as I step into leadership, the areas of my life not healed or hidden from me. All of which seem to be amplified as others see me step up- then I start to lose myself
If I do not spend time with people who just see me- then I start to disappear somewhat. The antidote is to hang out with my mum, with my partner, with friends who know me in different roles- who see me and accept me just as I am.

Photo by meriç tuna on Unsplash