How to practise Nonviolent Communication

This month, it’s twenty years since I discovered NVC. My awareness of this has led me into  reflective mode. I’ve been thinking of all the things I’ve learnt, and the joys and challenges  of NVC and how to practise Nonviolent Communication? One challenge I’ve been pondering is the tendency, in learning NVC, towards  perfectionism. We often want to be immediately perfect. This desire inhibits and suffocates practice, the practice on which increased fluency depends. As the aphorism says, ‘Perfect is the enemy of good’.* 

I’m curious about where this perfectionism comes from. Is it school, with its focus on  competition and assessment? Or is it even deeper in the Western psyche? The concept of a lifelong practice seems far more prominent and respected in other cultures. Here, it seems  that we are either good at something… or we’re not. We are intolerant of the process of  learning.  

I continue to have harsh self-talk, the sort that says I’m not good enough. I’m so used to it that I don’t usually notice. It’s been a shock, these last few weeks, to be more aware that it’s still there – after all these years practising self-compassion in NVC. How I talk to myself  is in stark contrast to the compassion I have for other learners. I often say to people,  frustrated that their NVC goes out of the window at home, that it’s the hardest to practice  with those we’re closest to, simply because these relationships matter so much to us. I  remind them that practising NVC must include compassion for ourselves…of course! 

Even more kindness?

I’m struck by the kindness of the coaching app I use for running. It encourages me each  small step of the way: ‘Congratulations! You’ve made it out of the door in your running  shoes’. This is how I’d like us all to treat ourselves when practising NVC. Celebrate any step  forward, steps of any size – don’t even measure. Provide ourselves with gentleness,  acceptance and kindness: ‘hurrah’ for that deep breath we took before responding, ‘yay’  for that empathy guess.  

Some days, I think I know nothing about NVC. What is NVC? It’s picking myself up, trying  again. As Marshall said, it’s enough to become progressively less stupid. What a gift  learning is! Einstein said that once you stop learning, you start dying. So how about we  embrace life and learning, reminding ourselves that NVC is a practice not a destination?  Let’s go slow, enjoy the journey and celebrate growth however it shows up. 

How much more compassion could you bring to yourself as you practise?

*Attributed to Voltaire 

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This is Shona Cameron’s blog, written in collaboration Rebecca Kail. 

Rebecca says: I’m assisting  Shona to get her thoughts onto paper more regularly. This encourages my understanding of the depths of NVC, and reminds me to keep practising. I did my foundation training with Liz  Kingsnorth in 2016 and I’m now in the early stages of the certification path. I’m based in  Elgin, in the north of Scotland, and hoping to spread the word about NVC in this part of the  world. Marshall visited nearby Findhorn to provide training some years ago and I’m hugely  disappointed that this was before I’d even heard of NVC! I would have loved to have  experienced NVC as he embodied it.

 

Photos by Afif Ramdhasuma on Unsplash

and

by Matthew Ball on Unsplash

Why we call this Nonviolent Communication – 2

Why we call this Nonviolent Communication

Can you even imagine the complete absence in you of the intention to inflict violence? Last time I wrote of how nonviolence is so much bigger than ‘not violent’. Today I’ll say why I think that matters within NVC.

Seeing NVC as ‘not violent’ often promotes a culture of trying to do something – to be kind, to be compassionate, to avoid violence and so on. When we can’t keep it up from sheer determination and willpower, we judge ourselves. In the trying there’s a tyranny, a litany of ‘shoulds’ that we inflict upon ourselves. Is it even possible or desirable to try in this way? I think not.

Marshall advised instead listening to ourselves with compassion, accepting all of ourselves. Be nonviolent to everything, not just the nice things. If you are angry and grumpy, be angry and grumpy. Welcome the darkness in ourselves and in others; welcome the people and things that challenge us. That is why listening to jackals is so important within NVC. Our judgements are part of life and they tell us what’s important to us. They connect us to a part of ourselves. They help us live according to our values.   

imagine we can live from our values of compassion

In showing a way for us to accept all of ourselves, NVC is accessible for everyone. It isn’t only for those who are nice, kind and compassionate. Nonviolence is a lifelong process of gradually stepping into a different worldview, a transformed state of mind. It’s a willingness to get up each day, recognise that we’ve messed up, and start afresh.

And here we come to a current challenge within NVC, which I will talk about next time: if NVC is for everyone, why does it seem to appeal more to those on the political left? What is getting in the way of including those with more conservative or right wing perspectives? And, more generally, how do we have conversations with people with very different political views? 

Why we call this Nonviolent Communication – 1

Why we call this Nonviolent Communication
‘But I’m not violent,’ people say, assuming NVC is not for them and instead is for those who shout, threaten and fight. So why do we use this term if it creates a barrier? Surely that’s the last thing we’d want to do! It doesn’t help that in English, we tend to hear it as ‘not violent’ as if it involves simply avoiding physical violence. And that is very far from what Marshall intended…so Why do we call this Nonviolent Communication? Marshall Rosenberg was very clear: he wanted to honour the tradition of radical nonviolence and those who espoused it, such as Martin Luther King and Gandhi. ‘Nonviolence’ is a single word with no hyphen, a specific thing. It is a translation of the term ‘ahimsa’, which Gandhi borrowed from writers of ancient Indian texts. These writers wrote of the near God-like state of being in which a person is so connected to their compassionate nature that they cannot even imagine doing harm. They considered their fellow humans too puny to understand this concept, so, instead of creating a new term, they took the word for the deliberate infliction of violence (‘himsa’) and used the prefix ‘a’ to create its opposite. ‘Ahimsa’ – the complete absence of intention to inflict violence.  So, ‘nonviolence’ is a translation of something that is not really the thing itself. It points to something that we don’t have words for… yet. In following the tradition of ahimsa/nonviolence, Marshall aimed to develop a method of communication that allows us to access that state of being where to do harm is unthinkable. He believed that this was our true nature, that what is needed to is to ‘get out of our own way’ by taking responsibility for our own feelings and needs. Buddhists might call this ‘the Buddha nature’, Christians, ‘the mind of Christ’, others might describe it as ‘being in the flow of life’. Whatever the term, when we are in that state, all our actions contribute to our lives and others’ – we can’t help it.  All of this is so much bigger than ‘not violent’ and I think that’s important for NVC. In the next episode, I’ll say why.

Meet the Nonviolent Communication Trainers

As I’ve travelled the world learning and sharing Nonviolent Communication, I’ve met some inspiring people. I wanted to know more about them! Meet the Nonviolent Communication Trainer, I’ve been interviewing them.

All of the interviews are available for members of Words are Windows and as a member you get the chance to join live too, and ask your questions.

I love questions!

I have collated some of the clips here for you to see. What makes Nonviolent Communication trainers tick! Maybe we are getting some idea?

In May 2022 we met Magiari Diaz Diaz from Venezuala. She inspired us with stories of her life and capacity to take NVC into the heart to conflicts.

Last summer, it was very moving to spend time talking to Clare Palmer from the UK, about living with a terminal illness and how NVC has supported her.

More recently we met David Weinstock from the US, who talked us through some of his work with somatic experiencing and NVC. We even got the chance to practice together.

 

More of the clips can be found here.

 

If you’d like to learn more about Meet the Nonviolent Communication Trainer and Words are Windows you can find about it here. Maybe you have a trainer you’d like me to interview?

Feeling Numb?

an orange

Sometimes it’s hard to know what we are feeling. Have you noticed feeling numb? Even when emotions may be high or others talk about their feelings? I’ve talked many times about how I started exploring the inner world of my own feelings with “I feel numb”. A kind of emotional numbness? I had sense something was going on… but what…? When I checked I had no clue, like a connection wasn’t there.

I actually believe it’s impossible to feel nothing and we can all start somewhere. For me “I feel numb” was the start.

When I connected to the numb- which the simple act of turning my attention to the numbness was all it took. Something shifted. (Sidenote: In my years of working with others I find that most people tend to try to make this inner connection work overcomplicated. If this seems simple, that’s because it is, I’m wary of anything in psychology that is overly complex).

As I got curious my numbness had an edge, a colour even. It was grey and square and it sat in my body like a square.

With this came something more to engage with – in fact something more to form a relationship with. I chose to have this relationship be a compassionate one. Welcoming, warm and accepting. I was feeling something- even though my rational brain was sceptical and trying to tell me this was weird. Ah- these thoughts prompted some feelings…. wariness, disbelief… my attention enjoyed exploring these feelings. Again with compassion.

Rumi quote about The Dark Thought

I stuck with it, checking in and asking myself how do I feel? A new awareness arose over time. The consequence… the depression I had lived with for months started to lift… turns out numbness was what I needed to tune into into to offer compassion to myself. to really listen to myself.

A turning point – no longer feeling ONLY numb!

One day I found myself peeling an orange and I tuned into my feelings. The day had so far been dampened down by grey fog and yet there were moments of sunshine, sensations in my body I would call gratitude and delight as I peeled the orange at my kitchen counter. It was enough for me to notice I was no longer living as a depressed person in those moments, I was living moment to moment with my feelings as they moved.

Let’s end with a poem- a gem!

Wendy Cope poem 'The Orange'

If you are feeling numb…I suggest starting with “I feel numb”, feel it, get curious and see where that takes you. It;s so easy to dismiss it and look for ‘real feelings!

Reading

I really enjoy Daniel Siegel’s work and in particular his very readable book Mindsight, each chapter explores cases he has worked with and how people have worked with their inner world.

Adventures in Spirituality

tea lights

Similarly to many others bought up in England, I had an upbringing on the edges of The Church of England. As a family, we didn’t attend church and I wasn’t christened. However, schools in England and Wales are asked to hold a daily assembly with a Christian basis and this together with the Brownies was a grounding in the Anglican tradition. My grandfather was a Methodist and his funeral was a moment for me when I understood his deep faith in nature and human beings.

During my twenties and thirties, I joined a Buddhist lay community and enjoyed mediation and rituals. This attendance and daily practice fell away and I stopped enjoying the communication of the Buddhists around me. I found myself deep in Nonviolent Communication (NVC) as a moment to moment spiritual practise. Returning to meditation now as I walk in nature or as I pause and check in with my feelings and needs. I have attended Quaker meetings and really enjoyed the regularity the pause, once a week. I could really sense why and how a weekly check in with oneself was beneficial psychologically and spiritual.  Poetry and some music can transport me to touch something larger than myself.

In addition, and incredibly nourishing for me, are the moments of heart connection in an empathic dialogue. Usually in a 1 to 1 session and  also in groups that I facilitate. People become to me ‘as one’ there is no giver or receiver no fixer or healer and no wounded person. Time stands still and I touch something beyond myself.

I’m enjoying reading this blog by Jules Evans, I sense some overlap in our journeys and in fact he is inspiring me to step up and name my spiritual yearnings, leanings and adventures. I agree with him it’s not so easy to do in our culture without being accused of being ‘deep’. Also I want my spiritual life remain mine and I don’t want to impose my beliefs on others. Especially as an NVC trainer.

So I’m dipping my toe into Christianity again. With some nudging from an NVC trainer colleague and a talk she directed me to on reform in the Church of England and  I found Jules’  blog a reference to Rupert Sheldrake’s initiative about where to find Choral Evensong.

This is a totally new idea for me … but I’ve put my postcode into the search and found out where I can go and when. Here is Rupert Sheldrake talking about Choral Evensong, its history and why this website might be useful.

[embedyt] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6pXt5Bm7LP8[/embedyt]

I’ve got no idea if it will ‘work’ for me, I’m not even sure what that means. But I do have a thought that re-occurs that something is not in balance within me and I’m wondering if I am neglecting my spiritual life? What are the ways you explore your spiritual needs?

The pressure to do BIG social change that’s paralysing action

graffiti of word revolution with love in red

I came to Nonviolent Communication and social change via my work in schools. I knew they could be places that people wanted to go to every day- but it would take a shift at every level to do this.

Change seems so necessary because so much of our lives seem cut off from our natural ways of being and so much of what I have is dependent on others not having it including food, clothes and fuel. That change will need to be at a systemic level and I believe, BIG social change- a change in the way we behave and think and see each other.

Over many years of involvement in groups of people practising NVC I worry there are subtle messages that social change has to have a large audience to be social change- somehow I hear the words social change has got wrapped up in a definition that this has to be enormous- be making a difference on a global scale. I’m sure many people tell themselves- I’m not doing social change… because they don’t have a huge project they are involved in. one that the U.N. might have heard of!

Maybe we are stifling all our attempts to be of service to contribute to change because we immediately judge what we as doing as small and ‘not worth it’?

I would like us to see it differently. For example…If you are raising a child and have worked on yourself to undo your conditioning and are choosing not to use reward and punishment – you are involved in social change. If you greet the person who gets annoyed with you with kindness and care- you are involved in social change. We can all chose where we shop – this too is social change.

A social change project is a social change project regardless of its size and I can make my life a social change project if I want to.  How I speak to myself my be my first act of social change- especially if this is reversing trauma and abuse patterns in a family. How about acts of social change rather than acts of random kindness? And let’s start with ourselves.

What small social change acts will you make today? how can you apply Nonviolent Communication and social change?

Choosing Partnership over Domination

sunset over water

A blog I wrote, first published on Dian Killian’s website in April. We are co trainers on the Ireland IIT in October 2020. (Which finally happened in February 2022)

I have recently revisited the work of Riane Esler and her view of humanity as being divided into two lenses through which we can view the world:

  1. Partnership: Life is interconnected and is a web of relatedness.
  2. Domination: Life is a pile with some people the top and the aim in life is to overpower them and reach the top.

Riane Esler

If you believe that the world is there to be conquered and that your job is to be the best — to come out on top — this will permeate how you think about yourself, how you work and live with others.

I suggest that a misreading of Darwin has amplified this world view; his survival of the fittest theory being interpreted as a call for us humans to see the world as a battle and the earth as our battlefield.

It is no surprise that at this moment in time, I find myself reflecting on this again… it seems that we are caught right in the middle of a battle between these different world views at present or that something is amplifying in this long tussle.

I see Domination Systems and Partnership Systems at every level of being. I have grown up in Domination Systems and even the way I am with myself can be a Domination. For example, I favour my thinking and brain over the rest of my body at times and don’t listen to my body’s signs that I need rest, water or not to have that bar of chocolate — I can override or dominate the natural signs of my body and push on.

It will come as no surprise that as an NVC trainer, I have made it my life’s work to explore and live in the Partnership System. Ever since I met Marshall Rosenberg in 2004, I have taken the work of Nonviolent Communication and applied it as best I can in my daily life — personally and professionally as a psychologist and now I see NVC as the most valuable tool I have to disrupt the Domination System.

If I truly want to disrupt, then my work is to strengthen the Partnership System and weaken Domination Systems at every opportunity. That includes my inner work and reclaiming a natural way of being which is in tune with the flow of life.

If I am not careful, I very quickly and subtly fall into default patterns of Domination… because by definition they dominate! If I am stressed, tired, or in need of an empathic ear myself — maybe my little brain is full of my own stuff — I will slip into Domination.

When the world appears harsh and I have a story that it is crazy out there…. This is when I may need to slow down and check inside. Like the mediation teachers say: When I have time, I meditate for 20 minutes a day and when I don’t have time, I meditate for 40 minutes. It’s time to double our efforts to practice.

One subtlety I want to pay even closer attention to and crucially: If I have enemy images of the entire idea of the Domination System, as in:

  • “It’s wrong.”
  • “We should live differently.”
  • “Everyone should see that it’s better to be in the Partnership System…”

…then I am myself in the Domination patterns.

It’s a bit of a head-scratcher, so I’ll say it again in a different way: I must do the inner work to ensure I am not ‘pushing’ the Partnership System and suggesting in any way it is better than the Domination System. “MY WAY IS BEST!” can and will creep in.

For example, I see plenty of criticism of right-wing politicians at the moment and a maelstrom of back-and-forth. My heart sinks at any progressive thinker who claims to want to build a world based on partnership, equality and care for all, who then diagnoses a right-wing politician as a narcissist… seemingly blind to the contradiction and the slip into a language which disconnects. Those whose politics sit on the right are then justified to come back and say “Hold on… you claim to be kind and caring, yet you are calling me names…!!??“

It’s important then to keep practicing; to continue to choose Partnership: how I bank, where I shop, and the food I chose to buy, for example. It is crucial for me to remember — and I urge us all to remember — that we are not the judge of how large or small an action is. I am just beginning to explore fractals and am fascinated by how each of us, with our own view, our own actions can be part of a whole.

All I can do is get up each morning and hold an intention, letting go of any destination; this is warrior work. It requires discipline and training. No matter how many times the Domination Patterns in me think “I’ve got it! Now – I’ve understood how to do this thing called Nonviolent Communication (NVC)”… here comes another opportunity to show me how much I have to learn. For example, someone else will come into my life who I am challenged to dig even deeper within myself in order to build a connection.

If you practice NVC, one thing you can choose is to offer one more empathic response in your family, in a board meeting, on the bus… whenever you have the chance. I see empathy as a disruptor of the Domination System… we can all find someplace to find the power to act. I believe if we can do one thing differently something different will happen.

Some things to do

Here are some things that I do to support myself in living partnership in my own life:

  1. Journal
  2. Do a role play
  3. Attend a retreat
  4. Listen to my Domination Patterns inside.
  5. Take great care of myself
  6. Call on community: spend time with others who are also digging deep and want to do things differently.
  7. Spend time with others who have an opposing world view from you (although I advise you to start small here and build up)

And remember, if we don’t choose the Partnership Pattern, the Dominant Pattern will choose us. It’s embedded in our institutions, justice system, school system, and political system to name just a few, and it takes a force of nature to not fall back into these patterns.

The decision to be a disruptor of the Domination Pattern and a commitment to build partnership within ourselves and between each other and our planet needs to be a wholehearted warrior-like stance.

These are not the times for half-heartedly going to the gym; this is the time for full immersion in a training program!

There is a waiting list – while we all wait to see if it is possible to safely hold the International Intensive Training (IIT)- due to be held in Ireland in October this year. I look forward to talking some more about this there with you – or please comment below.

Fear of Others’ Reactions

stairway into mist

In a group I facilitate, we explored an insight I  didn’t fully ‘get’ when I heard it from Marshall Rosenberg. One I’ve been struggling to integrate for many years,  It’s a piece about how we are not afraid of the other person’s reaction but our response to their reaction. We think we hold fear of other’s reactions-  but no!

All those years ago in Switzerland, it landed in me like a truth that I couldn’t quite hear yet…and somehow I don’t find the words to talk about it even now with others.

I asked my colleagues- other NVC trainers around the world – what words they use to explore this, as I’m was not happy with how I explored it. These are the responses I got.

Gabrielle Grunt from Austria said: “I wrote it down word by word exactly how (Marshall) said it, because this was a most life-changing insight for me at that time and I wanted to remember it exactly in Marshall’s original words”

“You don’t have to worry about the other person’s response. You just have to worry about how you react to it, whether you have your giraffe ears on.” MBR

“Here’s another version I found in my notes (not 100% sure if it is exactly the wording Marshall used, in case someone wants to quote it… on this IIT Marshall mentioned this point so often, that I just wrote it down once as an exact quote – see above)”

“Our fear is never about how the other person responds. Then you give the power to the other person. It’s about what ears we put on to receive it. That puts the security into our own hands.”

Alan Seid from the US said he heard Marshall say:

“We are not afraid of the other person freaking out; what we’re afraid of is that we won’t know how to handle it.”

Allan Rolfs recounted this

“Years ago, and it reoccurs every once in awhile on the network, I posed the question, “What do you (trainers) do when you are triggered, what are your personal strategies?”.  I collected all the responses at that time (maybe 20 years ago).  I remember poignantly Marshall’s response, “I say to myself, ‘choose'”.  I’m still working on that.”

Me too Allan.

I still hold fear of the other’s reaction. I still worry about the other person’s reaction – and when I pause… is it me? Can I imagine it’s not about the other? is it about me? As Marshall points to something just out of my grasp at times. More to explore…I’m worried about the shame I feel as I tell myself I’ve hurt someone, I worry about anger coming my way and paralysing me – leaving me frozen and unable to speak to get my needs heard. I can breathe and choose…. My life as an experimenter in living NVC continues.

And you? Does it help? Are there some stuck place in you too around this?

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Photo by Joe Beck on Unsplash

Rest as Resistance

woman on a swing

Sad to say our trip to Spain was cancelled earlier this week.

We had been looking forward to meeting all the staff at Cortijo Romero, meeting you all and to working and resting together. We now have even more time opened up in front of us. I was struck with ideas of what to do… and how to use it… then I listened to this podcast- Rest as Resistance. Here was the shift in perspective I’ve been looking for.

Tricia Hersey weaves together so many powerful insights from her work- I urge you all to listen- then take a nap…. no seriously… even during this pandemic we are not resting enough- because of this pandemic we are not rested enough.

‘Using time’ is a capitalist idea and I want to step out of this brainwashing.

As I walked and listened I realised even my walking wasn’t full of rest… I was trying to ‘do’ my steps, I was trying to get somewhere- how about I danced while I walked? how about I let my arms swing? How about I rest my spine and let nature take over? We are born to walk and dance.

via GIPHY

Lately I’ve been inviting my 1:1 clients to slow down and be with their experiences. It seems to me that is where the magic is.
Our invitation next week is to rest in your feelings and needs, our course is entitled Find your Inner Compass. We still have spaces available for our mini- online course and for sure we will be encouraging you to rest.

Maybe with a bit more stillness than Beyonce here, but who knows?

Who are we to second guess what rest will look like?